Lost In Suburbia
Tracy Beckerman was living in New York City when her son was born, but a year later, they moved out to New Jersey for the fresh air and big hair. She remembers distinctly the first time she put her son down on grass and he cried. Actually, she did too. Many years later, they have all acclimated to life in the 'burbs, understand that the wild animal in their backyard is a woodchuck and not a beaver, and have figured out that all roads lead to the mall.
In addition to blogging for The Balancing Act, Tracy writes the syndicated humor column, Lost In Suburbia® which is carried weekly by over 400 newspapers in 25 states and reaches an audience of over 3.5 million readers. She is also the author of the recently published humor book, Rebel without a Minivan: Observations on Life in the 'Burbs, and is a contributor to a new humor compilation called, See Mom Run: Side-Splitting Essays from the World's Most Harried Moms. Beckerman also writes a daily blog about her musings on marriage, motherhood, and dogs that get into the garbage and throw up on the rug.
Tracy has appeared on The Today Show on NBC, the CBS Early Show, LX New York, Better TV, CBS Sunday Morning with Charles Osgood, and numerous radio and print interviews speaking about motherhood and life in the 'burbs. She also has performed stand-up at the Comic Strip Live in NYC, and other venues.
Prior to her life as a mommy, writer and blogger, Tracy was a writer and producer in the television industry for ten years, managing the Advertising & Promotion department at WCBS-TV New York, and creating award-winning TV and radio scripts for such clients as Lifetime Television, WCBS-TV, CBS and NBC. Her numerous honors for writing include The Erma Bombeck Humor Writers Workshop Award, a Writer's Guild of America award, a CLIO, International Film and Television awards, and a New York Emmy®. She is a member of the Erma Bombeck Humor Writer's Group, National Society of Newspaper Columnists, and the National Writer's Union.
Tracy Beckerman is married to a very understanding guy. They have two children and live in New Jersey where she writes, endeavors to get her family's whites their brightest white, and avoids, at all costs, driving a minivan.
Executive Blogger for The Balancing Act
The Evolution of Naked
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- Published on Thursday, 06 September 2012 15:41
- Written by Tracy Beckerman
- Hits: 316
When your kids are babies, they have absolutely no concept of you being naked. They have bigger fish to fry such as eating, sleeping and pooping. But sometime around age two, they suddenly get what naked is and then the naked questions come out.
“Mommy, where is your penis?” Asked my son the first time he saw me naked and actually realized I was, in fact, naked.
The Latest Lost in Suburbia Column: Journey to the Center of the Shed
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- Published on Friday, 24 August 2012 20:24
- Written by Tracy Beckerman
- Hits: 313
One of the things I was really excited about when we moved to the suburbs was having a shed. I imagined something pretty with flower-filled window boxes, organized shelves of potting tools, and rakes and brooms hung neatly in size order. However, since I failed to bring Martha Stewart along with us to help create this garden tool utopia, the shed looked less like an image from “Shed Beautiful” magazine, and more like a tornado had gone through Home Depot.
Eventually, of course, there comes a day where you either have to clean out the shed, or have it condemned. And since we needed the space to store our stuff, as well as have a place where I could banish my husband when he snored, I had to bite the bullet and clean the shed.
Having done this dirty deed several times before, I had developed a step-by-step series of instructions to help me get the job done as quickly and painlessly as possible. Feel free to use my helpful list for yourself or pass it on to someone you love:
1. Open shed doors quickly
2. Scream as raccoon comes flying out of shed
3. Slam shed doors close
4. Open shed doors slowly. Glance around to make sure there are no more live wild animals in shed
5. Enter shed
6. Forget to check for dead wild animals
7. Find dead animal
8. Scream and run out of shed
9. Get garbage bag, rubber gloves, face mask, hazmat suit and NASA-certified decontamination chamber
10. Dispose of dead animal
11. Begin emptying shed
12. Go to pull rake out of corner. Discover it is woven into large spider web
13. See spider the size of Godzilla in the corner of the web
14. Decided rake looks really good in corner and leave it
15. Remove pile of hoses. Find another pile beneath first pile. Find third pile under second pile. Keep finding more hoses. Wonder if Jimmy Hoffa is buried under final pile.
16. Remove shovels, spades, and brooms. Keep one broom and use it to swat down dirt clump in corner of shed ceiling.
17. Dirt clump turns into bat which flies around inside of shed looking for exit
18. Scream and run out of shed
19. Return to shed with Bat Spray, which is really aerosol deodorant because there is no such thing as Bat Spray.
20. Spray deodorant in corners of shed. Shed now smells powder fresh
21. Remove half used bags of potting soil, fertilizer and mulch
22. Find hammock in corner
23. Discover mice made hammock into mouse mulch.
24. Find mice
25. Scream and run out of shed
26. Return in hazmat suit. Sweep mice out of shed. Dispose of hammock mulch. Spray more deodorant
27. Assess remaining work to be done
28. Go back in house
29. Call husband
30. Tell him it’s his turn to clean out the shed
©2012, Beckerman. All rights reserved.
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Don’t Flush on my Parade
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- Published on Friday, 17 August 2012 15:33
- Written by Tracy Beckerman
- Hits: 304
When your kids are little, you develop certain bizarre habits to make sure you don’t wake them when they are napping. At first you unplug all the phones. Then you start hanging signs outside your front door that say “don’t ring the bell under penalty of death.” Finally, you get to the point where if anyone raises their voice above a whisper, you would have no problem hitting them over the head with a two by four.
The Mommy from the Black Lagoon
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- Published on Friday, 27 July 2012 15:18
- Written by Tracy Beckerman
- Hits: 287
There are some women who wake up and they look fresh as a daisy. When I wake up, I look like a dead daisy that got sprayed with weed killer and then got trampled by a herd of stampeding elephants.
In case you weren’t sure, this is not a particularly attractive look.
Although I’d like to blame this on advanced age, the truth is, I have never been a pretty sleeper. When I was a kid, I would emerge from my room in the morning like an extra from “Dawn of the Dead.” Even the dog would run away in abject terror. My brothers lovingly nicknamed me “The Sister from the Black Lagoon” and my parents would argue over who’s side of the family was responsible for my hideously ugly morning genes.
When Good Moms Wear Bad Clothe
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- Published on Thursday, 19 July 2012 16:52
- Written by Tracy Beckerman
- Hits: 414
Whenever I go shopping, I'm usually pretty good about knowing which stores are age-appropriate and which are too young or too old for me. Typically, if the dresses in a store have less material than my underwear, I know my daughter should be shopping there, not me. And if a store sells clothes that could double as window curtains, both in volume and pattern, it is usually better suited to my grandmother.
But one day as I was window-shopping, I stopped in a new store that seemed youthful, but not too young. I barely made it in the door when the "thump, thump" of the unintelligible, bass-driven music they were piping into the store hit me square in the chest.
This should have been my first clue that the store might have been too young for me. However, I was seduced by the racks of pretty dresses ahead, so I convinced myself that the store owners were trying to determine if middle-aged shoppers would buy more clothes if they were driven insane by blaring dance music. So I went in.
Then I noticed that everyone else in the store was about twenty or thirty years younger than me. This should have been my second clue that the store was too young for me. But since I already had three pretty dresses in hand to try on, I convinced myself that the other girls were all in there shopping for their mothers.
Ignoring all the warning signs, I went into the dressing room and tried on one of the dresses. Admittedly, it looked pretty short on the hanger, but when I actually got it on, I was stunned to see it barely covered my backside. In case you were wondering, this is not a particularly age-appropriate look for a woman over forty, even if you are built like Madonna, which I am not.
This was my biggest clue yet that I was in the wrong store. But just to confirm my fears, I stepped out of the dressing room to model the dress for two of the salesgirls.
“OH. MY. GOD!! That dress is like, TOTALLY T.C.F.W. on you!” exclaimed one of the girls.
“Totally!” agreed the other one.
“T.C.F.W.?” I asked, shaking my head in confusion.
“Too cute for words!” explained salesgirl #1.
“TOTALLY!” agreed salesgirl #2. I’m pretty sure it was the only word she knew.
I looked at my reflection in the mirror. I agreed with them that the dress was like, totally T.C.F.W., but I begged to differ that it was T.C.F.W. on me. Moreover, I was pretty sure that if I bought the dress, one of three things would happen:
a) I would be arrested for indecent exposure;
b) My daughter would disown me or;
c) My husband would adopt me.
“You have to get it!” said Salesgirl #1. “You look adorable.”
I grimaced. “Adorable” is one of those words you use to describe toddlers and puppies. Not forty-five year old housewives.
“Thanks,” I said sweetly. “But I think I’ll pass.”
“Really? Why?”
“I’m just T.O.F.T.S.,” I replied.
“T.O.F.T.S?” wondered Salesgirl #2.
“Yeah. Too Old for This Store!”
©2012, Beckerman. All rights reserved.
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Hide and Go Tampon
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- Published on Thursday, 12 July 2012 20:18
- Written by Tracy Beckerman
- Hits: 414
I recently discovered that I have NoKotex-aphobia. In case you are not familiar with this little known disorder, it is "The fear of not having a tampon when you need one"(Wikipedia; little known imaginary disorders).
Although I am so regular you could set the World Clock by my cycle, I still have always been plagued by the concern that I will get caught off guard by the arrival of my little monthly friend on the exact day that I am wearing white pants while sitting on a white sofa on live television. Nevermind the fact that I don’t own white pants, nor are there any TV shows with white sofas or that I have never and probably never will appear on live TV. It is the possibility of all that which throws me into a pre-menstrual panic.
Amusing Myself at the Amusement Park
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- Published on Wednesday, 27 June 2012 19:19
- Written by Tracy Beckerman
- Hits: 370
When you have kids, going to theme parks is one of those necessary evils, like having the theme song to Spongebob Squarepants stuck in your head for weeks on end or finding petrified Oreos under the cushions of your sofa.
When my kids were younger, I didn’t mind the theme park outings quite as much because the kids were happy to go on the rides that went about two miles per hour and made cute little choo-choo noises. But they soon graduated to faster, scarier rides with names like “The Titan of Terror.” The minute they met the allowable height level, they were on line for gravity-defying, puke-inducing, loop-de-loop rollercoasters.
This is when I became “The Holder.”
Tying One On For Father’s Day
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- Published on Friday, 15 June 2012 17:11
- Written by Tracy Beckerman
- Hits: 409
Finding a gift for Father's Day can be a heck of a challenge when the guy you love doesn't wear ties.
Tracy’s Top 10 Useful and/or Useless Gifts for Father’s Day
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- Published on Monday, 11 June 2012 16:38
- Written by Tracy Beckerman
- Hits: 530
“What do you want for Father’s Day?” I asked my husband.
“I dunno,” he said. “Surprise me.”
This might not have been the smartest response. Part of the problem was he’d already gotten a hammock, grill tools, and all the other usual gifts for past Father’s Days.
No, the wild card in this request was… me. I am not the typical gift giver. I like to go for the unique, the unexpected, and the one thing I know the recipient would never buy for himself. In some cases, this might be because the recipient would never WANT to buy a particular gift for himself. But since he asked, and also to amuse myself, I came up with 10 possible Father’s Day gifts for my husband that I know he would never to think to ask for… or necessarily want.
1. The Carstache
This is fun in a “is it a car or is it Tom Selleck?” kind of way. Some might say there is nothing even remotely practical about a Carstache, but I would beg to differ. With your Carstache, not only are you eligible to enter the World Carstache Competition, but if you are one of those guys who just simply can’t grow a decent mustache on your face, this will more than adequately make up for that deficit AND make all those men with feeble upper lip hair green with envy. Bonus for women: you don’t have to kiss the darn thing. Carstache, the global leader in automotive facial hair. $39.00
2. BBQ Sword
Every time your husband picks up something that resembles a sword, does he turn to you and say, “My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die?” If so, then he probably suffers from Princess Bride Envy. Now you can give him a grill tool that will let him unleash his inner Inigo and get the hot dogs cooked at the same time. The BBQ Sword even comes with a super cool Zorro mask so he can grill incognito, which would probably come in handy when he burns dinner. BBQ Sword, for swashbuckling grill dads. $29.95
How many times has your husband said to you, “Oh, not the same bacon for breakfast, again!” If you are in a bacon rut, maybe it is time you signed you man up for membership to the Bacon of the Month Club. Each month he will get two pounds of special artisan bacon so he can make a pig of himself with the finest bacon from around the country. He’ll be in hog heaven.Bacon of the Month Club. $49.95/per month for three months.
4. Handerpants
Is your man a tighty-whitey kind of guy? If so, then he is in good company because they are the underwear of choice for the majority of men out there. And why? Because they are super comfortable and very practical. He wouldn’t think of going out without his beloved briefs, so show his hands the same consideration. Yes, now he can find the same comfort and coverage he gets in his underwear for his hands with Handerpants. Great under gloves or on their own for weightlifting at the gym! Handerpants, the vaguely inappropriate fashion statement for men. $11.95
5.Become a Laird
Your husband is clearly the king of his castle, but does it bum him out that his loyal subjects do not actually call him “King?” Well, he may not legally be able to use that title, but he CAN officially become a Laird with the Become a Laird Gift Box. Since Scottish landowners are legally entitled to use the title Laird, upon registering this gift he will own a genuine piece of land in the grounds of Dunans Castle in Scotland and will thus become a Laird. And if you don’t like the idea of having to bow to his Grace, the same gift box lets you register to be a Lady, as well. Crown not included. Become a Laird or Lady Gift Box. $24.99
6. Shark Socks
They don’t do anything about foot odor, athletes foot or hairy toes, but they will make your husband’s feet just a little more fun to look at, at least while they are covered. Warning: socks may inspire endless humming of Jaws theme.Take a bite out of your dull wardrobe with Shark Socks. $9.00
7. Magnetic Flames Decal
No matter how you sell it, you will never be able to convince your husband that he looks cool in the family minivan.
But add a pair of magnetic flame decals to the sides and all of a sudden he’s not driving a minivan, he’s driving the world’s biggest hot rod. Throw in a pair of fuzzy dice and he may never ask for a convertible again. Or not.Magnegrafix Magnetic Orange Flame Decals, Pack of 2. $49.95
Did your husband play in a rock band in high school? Are his imagined musical skills much better in his mind than in real life? Does he want to get an electric guitar to relive his younger days but you have no interest in spending the money to indulge his rock star fantasy? Get him the Electronic Rock Guitar Shirt. It’s a fully playable guitar built right into a shirt so you can send him to his man cave and let him rock out for much less than the cost of a real guitar. Don’t forget to close the door behind him. Electronic Rock Guitar Shirt. $29.95
9. Pillow Tie
For the dad who needs a quick nap at work but has nowhere to rest his head, the Pillow Tie looks like a regular tie but has a hidden valve that lets you inflate it into a comfy pillow. Warning: Cannot be used as a flotation device. Pillow Tie. $14.95
10.Wooly Lawn Mowers
If you happen to live in Atlanta and your hubby hates to mow the lawn, his prayers are answered. EWE-niversally Green provides a flock of hungry sheep (and a smattering of goats) to munch their way through the arduous task of trimming your lawn. As an added bonus they will “naturally” fertilize your lawn for you at no extra charge. Eco-friendly, kind of cute and you will definitely be the only one on your block with a flock. EWE-niversally Green. Call for pricing.
©2012, Beckerman. All rights reserved.
To become a fan of Lost in Suburbia on Facebook, CLICK HERE
To follow me on Twitter, CLICK HERE
Perhaps Insulting the Intelligence of a Prospective Client is Not the Best Way to Sell them a Car
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- Published on Friday, 08 June 2012 18:45
- Written by Tracy Beckerman
- Hits: 343
Whenever we go to buy a new car, I am always armed with the latest information about warranties, safety ratings, sticker prices and fuel economy for whatever model we are interested in. I have usually done weeks of research and compared the car we want to other cars in its class. On occasion, I have had more knowledge about a certain model than the car salesman helping us.
I shop, therefore, I spend
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- Published on Thursday, 17 May 2012 16:59
- Written by Tracy Beckerman
- Hits: 503
I love to shop. I am a world-class shopper. If there were an Olympic event for shopping, I would be like the Michael Phelps of the mall. I can sprint shop, endurance shop, and marathon shop. In the shopping decathlon, I reign supreme.
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- Getting My Cougar on With Chris Mann at Blissdom
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